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I love travel, I just hate getting there … if that makes any sense at all. For the bulk of my day yesterday was devoted to one of the most hellish flights I have ever been on …

It all started with not being able to select a window seat on B.A.’s online check-in form. I just can’t stand being in the middle (jostled by people on either side) or on the aisle (having to move whenever my seat mates need to take a crap and getting elbowed by people walking past). even if it’s the worst flight in the world, I can at least cram my face against the window and forget I am there. No one at the airport could help me. Apparently, no matter how early you show up at the airport these days, you can’t pick your own seat anymore unless you do it online.

Okay, so I decided to grit my teeth and just get past it. The 8000 lb. Russian in the seat in front of me didn’t help matters much. Whenever he would lean back in his seat (the “works-as-expected” pushing back of the seat + his combined weight pushing against that) my tray table would push up against my armrests and my TV screen would point at my chest. I complained to an attendant when the tray table started to crack along one side, but she said I could expect that on any seat on the plane. I pushes, demonstrating that no one else seemed to be in the same uncomfortable position I was and she managed to find another seat for me at the back of the plane, beside an Irish businessman who would rather have two seats to himself. When I explained to him the reason I needed this seat, he started complaining to another attendant about the seat in front of him, which seemed to be functioning perfectly well, to which I replied that he should move back to where I just came from, where I had great difficulty even getting up to come over here.

People.

I have flown on a lot of different airlines, in different classes from basic “steerage class” to “almost-pretty-nearly-first-class-but-not-quite (but thanks for the extra cash anyway)” and I still haven’t found anything comfortable. Humans are just not meant to sit in one cramped place for such a long time. I’m not suggesting jogging tracks or group activities like on a cruise ship, just someplace to go. Virgin’s the closest I’ve seen, with a bar at the middle of the plane, so when you stand up and wander you at least have somewhere to go. It’s a start. Maybe it’s the smoking thing, too. I can still remember, from when I was a kid, the mini-lounge that they had at the back of some of the older planes where you could chill out and smoke a cigarette and read a magazine (see “The French Connection”, there’s one in there).

You know, we’ve gone from air travel being some kind of elegant pass-time to being like riding a bus to Boston (with a meal or two thrown in). First class, on most airlines, is pretty much the same thing. Sure they offer some thrills like more movies to watch and some perks with your food, but you’re still on the same plane. The seats are “plush” and extend more, but I still can’t help thinking it’s like camping-out at the front of the plane. I mean, the seats are usually lower than the other passengers and there’s something just not night about having a flight attendant towering over you when you’re virtually on the floor. Why not have cubicle rooms in first class? I’m sure there’s some aviation rule that doesn’t permit it but you know, a couple of walls and a bit of a door would make all the difference in the world, even if you had to share it with strangers, like those compartments on old passenger trains (see “A Hard Day’s Night” for that).

It’s just getting more and more painful. Even the best book in the world and a couple or terrific movies are not enough to get me looking forward to spending 7+ hours staring at the back of someone’s seat. I dunno, maybe I should start taking trains and ships when I travel. At least I’d avoid jetlag that way. By the way, some rules for when you’re getting over jetlag: (i) don’t head out to the store (in a full-blown blizzard no less) to replace the things that have gone bad in your fridge as soon as you get back, because you will forget things and end up going out at least two more times. (ii) Don’t attempt a WordPress upgrade the next morning, no matter how easy and appealing it may sound, because you’ll end up doing it without a backup and lose pretty much everything and have to spend the rest of the day piecing everything back together.

So, yeah, in short, air travel just isn’t working for me anymore.

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